Archive for February, 2010

For those of you who used to watch Monty Python, that song is going to be stuck in your head for the rest of the day. Sorry.

I know everyone out there gets spam. You can set your message filters on high, you can put your virus scanner on spam block, but you’re still going to get spam.

It’s just a fact of life.

But who are these people? What on earth do they think they’re accomplishing? Am I really going to rush to their website to buy Viagra at a 50% discount over other major department stores? Do I need dental insurance from a company in Zimbabwe? Should I really try one of those pedi-nail things on my seven cats? (that last one would be a d’oh….come near a cat’s feet with an electrical spinning device that makes a grinding noise? seriously)

And even here, on my pretty little blog, with my pretty little ass up in the corner. People post spam. Weird stuff, with weird website addresses. Some in Russian, some in English, some in Swahili. Luckily you don’t get to see those little gems, I delete ‘em before they get out to the general public.

Which again, leads me to ask….why? Is there reams of people out there whose jobs would be at risk if all spam suddenly stopped tomorrow? Would the national debt be even worse than it already is? (not possible might I add) Would spammers children and babies be without food on their table if spam suddenly stopped?

Something to think about I guess.

But, why not come up with good spam? With how to get chocolate stains out of your new white polo spam. Favorite recipe of the week spam. Twenty percent off at Old Navy spam. Now that would be useful spam.

Ok, done with my ranting for the day. =)

spam spam spam spam….yeah, it’s stuck in my head too.

carrie

so, I bet you didn’t know I wrote poetry.

no?

neither did I, until I was challenged to do so. After a couple vodka/lemonades (diet lemonade of course) I found it’s pretty darn easy to create poetry.

My sister challenged me, jokingly of course, but since she’s my older sister I took it as a dare, to come up with a rhyme for the heart cheesecakes she sells and the word “fart”. Now if you don’t like that word, just stop reading now. It’s for the best trust me. If, on the other hand, your sense of humor is a bit warped like my own, carry on.

All names have been changed to protect the innocent.

_____

Oh my love is like a red red rose…
O’er time it surely grows
‘specially when a heart-shaped cheesecake is bought
From ****** where they bake them a lot

They wrap them so fine with ribbons and bows
They cost only eight dollars and tax I suppose
We’ll toast to it with wine and a fork in each hand
*****’s cheesecakes are marvelous you must understand

Call ******* as fast as fast you can be
They even deliver ASAP!
Don’t miss out on this fabulous cheesecake of hearts
It’s cheaper than flowers and won’t make you fart.

________

Once we were young
Our feelings were the hottest
Fumbling in back seats and front seats
And once a hallway closet

Now we’re much older
We’ve got gray in our hair
And sometimes I fart
Or Forget to wear underwear

None of it matters
Not one little whit
Cuz you bought me a heart shaped cheesecake
From ****** – it’s the shit

_______

ok, this last one is bound to get me some hate email, so if you’d just write it in russian so it would go STRAIGHT to spam I’d appreciate it.

Every year we go out
To a right fancy place
Get all duded up
And makeup your face

I buy you roses
You buy me boxers
This year we’re gonna
Party like rockstars

Head over to *******
On maple street y’see
drink fancy wine
And eat supper, sweet pea

And then you’ll buy me
A cheesecake heart
For only 8 bucks
It’d be mighty smart

And oh, you’ll get lucky
From your head to your toes
When I show up
Wearing my brand new speed-os

Three little words
That’s all I want
For valentine’s day
From you my croissant

Just say them aloud
My heart will pitter-pat
With joy and surprise
I might even shat

Oh my gosh oh my gracious
Did you hear that fart?
Just say the 3 words,
BozWellz cheesecake heart!

Oh yes, how I knew it!
You spent the 8 greenbacks
Our savings is gone
We can’t pay the property tax

But it was worth it
Oh yes it was
Even tho our doublewide is towed
And they took granny’s vase

Of cremation ashes
And both our coon dogs
We’ll live happily every after
Happy as frogs

Buy ****** heart shaped cheesecakes. At only 8 bucks. Proceeds go to Re- repossession of the double wide trailer. And the dogs. Sorry, granny’s ashes were lost in the fire.

ok, so last time I was here….eons ago wasn’ it? I whined and complained about taking five online classes at the same time. But seriously, I thought I could do it, and live life as a normal human being.

This is not so.

My hair needs coloring. Seriously. Like maybe twice through just to cover all the gray.

I have a twitch. It alternates from eye to eye, but it’s definitely a twitch. On the other hand, I seem to be getting better tips at the restaurant. Maybe I’ll keep it.

I generally receive 150+ emails a day. Note to self – go digest next time.

My chocolate addiction has morphed into chocolate enslavement.

It takes two Cadbury creme eggs every day. And I’m saying that like a heroin addict.

I haven’t written on my book in 2 weeks.

My socks haven’t matched since Groundhog Day.

My brain is moving at the speed of a snail in the Olympic Figure Skating coliseum.

Jack Daniels is my friend.

It wouldn’t be so bad, but three of the teachers are remarkable, demanding, challenging, awesome. They work my brain, they draw things out of there I didn’t know existed, and then they make me work with the stuff that pops out of it.

And I love it.

I’ve learned so much, that as my friend Kelsey says, I’ve grown new wrinkles in my brain.

And I’m still learning. And next month, I’ll be learning more.

Why’s that?

Why because I’ve signed up for five MORE online classes, that’s why!

Send the valium – please. And my hair colorist. She’s got a big job ahead of her.

carrie

What was I thinking? I’ll tell you. Obviously I wasn’t thinking!

This month I signed up for 5 online classes. Five. Cinco. Waytoomany. It seemed like a good plan, my other job is always slow this time of year, bring it on!

Unfortunately almost all five classes are run by superior instructors who demand a lot of information and homework from their students. Which is a good thing! Otherwise it’s just someone throwing information at you and hoping you’re listening.

And while I whine and moan and complain about the homework, let me just say there are people out there who shouldn’t be taking an online class. The woman who wrote to the entire class and said, sorry, I’m too busy to take this class right now….. Then why did you sign up sweetie? The teacher is here to teach those who want to learn..if you don’t want to learn, keep your email to yourself….or the one who said, gee it must be nice that none of you have to work as hard as I do, that’s why I’m behind in my homework. I personally hold down a full time job and have 3 companies of my own. But my homework is in on time.

But my favorite is people who argue with the instructor, as if they know better. One of my instructors has been published 54 times. And one lady in class actually told her she didn’t want to learn part of the lesson (on enneagrams) because she found them worthless. Published 54 times vs. unpublished. Let me think…..who would I rather listen to? Pissed off the instructor royal too. I don’t blame her.

Another instructor posted that we were to post no more information until she finished going through our first lesson. So what did people do? You got it, started posting lesson two, even though she hadn’t finished going through their first lesson. WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT TO UNDERSTAND? But I’ll be darned if people didn’t start throwing nasty comments left and right, and distracting the entire list with hundreds of emails with brilliant thoughts like “I think that too.” or “Oops, so I didn’t read that.”

Get a clue people. If you’re on a class list, you’re showing upwards of 100 people what an idiot you are every time you post on top of filling our email boxes with useless junk.

ok, done ranting, back to the regularly scheduled program. =)

So, I’m learning. And I’m doing about 10 hours worth of homework a week. And this week, yes this very one, is the one two of my instructors say is going to be THE WEEK. This week will make it or break it, this week will be the hardest one.

Yikes.

So it’s time for me to don my cape and tights, suck it up and get back to my homework…one of the classes is already over, so I’m down to just four.

Sounds like a walk in the park eh?

carrie