Crazy Cat Lady Goes to the Vet

Every now and then, one of Crazy Cat Lady’s little beasties gets ill. Or in a fight. Or . . . well, innumerable reasons when one has a cat.

Taking a cat to the vet is an exercise in patience, deafness and pleading. Generally, getting one of the cats into a carrier isn’t all that difficult. A quick treat, a fast shove and voila, cat in the box. This is what we call The Easy Part.

For us, it’s a 17 mile drive to the vet. Usually takes about 20 min. With a cat headed to the vet on board, that time narrows down to about 15. Why? Because cats don’t want to go to the vet. They don’t want to be in a carrier, and they surely don’t want to be in a moving vehicle! And they vocalize it. Loudly. Consistently. Without stopping.

The brain synapses, after a mere three minutes of this yowling, begin to fire, sending urgent signals to your gas pedal foot. As the yowling continues, causing the foot to press down harder on the pedal. Occasionally, depending on the cat, this can result in super-sonic speeds. When we once had to take a cat to a specialist 80 miles away, we reached Mach Speed and possibly broke the sound barrier by the time we arrived.

Once you arrive at the vet, your cat – who has been very insistent about getting OUT of the carrier – now refuses to budge. Nope. No way Jose’. Coaxing, petting, treats, nothing works. This is usually the point where we unscrew all of the screws on the carrier and lift the cat out from the top.

Hah! Never saw that one coming did you? mwahahahahaha

Once your cat is actually in the presence of the vet, one of two things happens. First, you suddenly become their best friend. They lean against you, sink their tiny claws in, their woeful big eyes begging you to please please put them back in the carrier! Don’t let this man touch my fur!! Option two is acceptance. They lay on the table, stoic. Whatever this vet person can dish out, they can take. You just KNOW they’re plotting revenge in their little brains, probably a piddle on your pillow just before bedtime.

After treatment has been administered, drugs prescribed and enormous amounts of money have exchanged hands, you’re free to leave. With Superman-like grace your cat leaps into the carrier and sinks into a corner. You stick your face up to the grating and say “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Yeah, those claw marks are going to take awhile to heal on your nose.

Finally, you are on your way back home. Safe and sound. Except for those claw marks of course. And your wallet. You turn on some Doobie Brothers and relax into your seat. And . . . the cat starts to yowl. Louder. Faster. Howlier.

“We’re all done!” you say.

“Yoooooowwwwlllll”

“We’re going home. Stop that!”

“Yooooowwwwllll”

The synapses fire, the foot hits the gas pedal.

Another day at the vet, another speeding ticket in your file.

Gotta love cats.

=)

CCL

10 Responses to “Crazy Cat Lady Goes to the Vet”

  • Terri Osburn:

    There is a third option. My cat tried to eat the vet. He was PISSED. Though I can’t blame him as the bumbling vet tech took his temperature with no finess whatsoever. My orange tabby weighs 16lbs and has the teeth of a Rotty. The vet walked in, saw the teeth, and almost refused to touch him. He was so mad at one point, he tried to bite me. Cranky ass.

    I have to catch the skittish one for a vet trip. No idea when I’ll pull this off. Maybe if I close her into the bathroom. Hmmm… I still have the scars on my arm from the last time.

  • Oh, thanks for the memories and why we did not replace kids with a cat on a boat. Can you imagine the foreign vet visits in a dinghy? Yes, I’ve unscrewed all the little screw to get sick cat from the crate.

  • Argh, I identified all too strongly with this post! Lately, I’ve found the cat carrier the getting-cat-to-vet’s worst enemy. I can’t seem to get the cats in OR out without copious bleeding. At home, cat #1 likes being carried around in a canvas grocery shopping bag. So that has become his cat carrier. I just hold the bag open for him and he hops in happily, then it’s just a matter of slinging it over my shoulder and regularly pushing down the curious head that pops up as I lug him to the car. Cat #2 is enticed into a cardboard box, one of those ones you can pick up from the fruit store that has a cardboard lid that slides over. Downside of this is the little white paws that appear in the box holes, and the fact that she has started to learn how to use her body to actually slide and lift the lid up.

    • lol…Naomi, my sister had to take her cat to the vet in a blankie, with it over his head so he couldn’t see. Poor guy. When we had to take our one cat who’d dislocated his hip to the vet 80 miles away, we actually bought a dog carrier so he could lay flat with his leg extended.

      the things we do for our cats!

  • ROTFL!!!! I nearly peed myself reading this. I had a cat that used to carrying on like he was being slowly murdered with a dull jackknife as soon as he got into the car. And he’d do so with his mouth wide open, teeth exposed and wild eyes. Seriously, I often waited for him to chew his way out of the carrier and slice my throat.
    What a time. The memories!

    • Jeez Natalie…lol….that’s gotta look kinda scary…..ours huddle in a corner, or sometimes bang at the gate….we just pretend they aren’t there while driving faster and faster…

  • Ugh. Thanks for the reminder. We’re taking out cat to the vet for a check up in 10 days. Yeah, I actually count down the days and the tremors will start about a day before. Our poor Frostbite gets pissed at me when I try to put on flea meds. The vet is not her friend and she hates me for at least three weeks afterward. Fortunately, she’s my son’s cat (technically), so I don’t let him come to the vet lest she get pissed at him, too. She’ll crawl in his lap, sleep with him, snuggle up to him and all that lovey stuff. Me? She yowls at me to feed her and let her outside. Seriously, that cat has issues.

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