I’m sure you’ve heard that phrase before.
It was spoken by FDR about Pearl Harbor, December 7, 1941.
I always remember December 7, it was my grandmother’s birthday and I always thought how horrible that year must have been for her.
But, I digress.
December 7, 1941 was about the Japanese attacking the US at Pearl Harbor. After today, I firmly believe it was all about septic tanks.
Please, take no offense, this is tongue-in-cheek and yes, sarcasm. But also true.
Read on.
It started yesterday, Monday (of course) at 12:50pm. Ok, technically it started on Sunday night when the toilet wouldn’t flush, but I’ll let you guess the consequences of that.
So, yesterday, I called Roto Rooter, left a message. Waited an hour and called a local plumbing company. No answer. See a theme going here?
Finally, local plumbers call back. What’s the problem? Oh, I said, I think we need snaked. You have a snake don’t you? Of course, we have a snake. (as in, you idiot in order to be a plumber you HAVE to have a snake.) (please follow the bolded words, it will help in the long run) They asked various questions (no, we don’t have a child that would stuff a rubber duck in the toilet…yes I think it’s somewhere in the line) and said ok, we’ll be out late today.
Suh-Weet! Rejoice! Jack Daniels!
4:50pm. The local plumbing truck IS COMING DOWN THE ROAD! WOOT! the local plumbing truck IS DRIVING ON PAST! crap! (another of my favorite words lately) quick cell call, all is good. local plumbers arrive safely.
4:52pm. local plumbers enter home with their snake. Their 5 foot long, baby, wussy, can barely be called a snake, snake.
ah. well. I say. completely underwhelmed.
We’ll just check this out, fix it and be on our merry way.
But of course.
4:54pm. Ma’am, where’s your basement?
Downstairs. (I’ve always been helpful that way, and yes, did let him wander into the spare bedroom first before pointing him in the right direction)
4:55pm. Second plumber emerges from bathroom. You have bigger problems than my snake can handle. Where’s the basement?
All men descend into the basement and discuss manly things. All arrive upstairs, tracking mud and poop (please, I’m going to be using poop, shit and crap a lot in this post) across my ivory berber carpet.
“Where’s your septic tank?” (like this went so well with the where’s your basement routine)
I point out the front door to the yard. “There.”
They both look out at the horizon.
I bet, even those of you who DON’T have one, realize a septic tank is buried. UNDER THE GROUND.
I point down. “Four feet approximately.”
Their horror cannot be contained. They start walking simultaneously backward to their truck. “um….I suggest you call someone to dig up your septic tank. It would be cheaper.”
Not so quick to let them escape, as I’ve now been peeing in the woods for 24 hours straight in high winds and cold temps, I ask…”do you have a snake?”
“Nope, didn’t bring that.”
“No. Snake.”
“Nope.”
I was pretty sure I mentioned snake in all previous conversations. “So you’re saying you didn’t bring a snake?”
“Nope.”
“Don’t you think calling in someone with a backhoe to dig up our yard and pumping all this poop is going to cost more than a snaking?”
“That’s the best way to go.”
And they jumped in their truck and left.
Hubby and I were in our truck in less than 15 min., to rent a snake from Ace Hardware. $50 later, in possession of the snake, a quick stop at wal mart to use the “facilities” and we’re off.
Problem is, nothing to snake. No plug. No blockage. Crap.
This morning 8am. Cordell pumping. “Exactly what do you want ma’am.”
“My septic tank pumped.”
“Is the lid exposed?”
Helloooo…..”No, the lid is UNDERGROUND”
“You need to dig it out before we’ll come out.”
“You don’t have a backhoe?”
“No.”
Having seen their ads in numerous phonebooks, newspapers etc. I know damn well they have backhoes.
“So you want ME to walk into that HOLE and dig out MUD to expose the LID so you can pump it.”
“yup”
“That’ll take days.”
“Call me when you’re ready.”
Asshole.
Nine more phone calls, six more answering machines, three more requests for a backhoe later, and I’m in tears. Where does a woman come up with a backhoe to dig a trench, a tractor to life off a 3 foot in diameter cement lid, a guy to pump poop, the patiently waiting man with the tractor to drop the lid back into place, and the patiently waiting man with the backhoe to scoop all the dirt back in.
*as in, ain’t gonna happen*
Finally, good ol’ boy Kent calls. He says HE HAS HIS OWN BACKHOE.
*cue the hallelujah chorus*
Kent says, just dig out the hole, and I’ll pump it today.
Dig. Out. The. Hole.
Does anyone realize THE SEPTIC TANK IS FOUR FEET UNDER GROUND?
granted, hubby is no Jack Lalane. No Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s english.
I head off to work, confident that this is going to take days. weeks. get used to peeing in the woods.
hubby calls in the middle of lunch. He’s scooped FIVE count ‘em FIVE shovelfuls and given up. He’s having a heart attack. He’s dying.
“Ok, well take a tums, and I’ll be home in a bit.”
Tums cures everything.
I come home. DH is in the house, no equipment on the front yard, but a message on the answering machine.
“Hi, this is Kent. I know you said don’t worry about it, but I’m coming up this afternoon with my backhoe and I’ll fix it today. It’s pert neer (swear to God that’s what he said) 1 o’clock and I’m coming in now, and I’m fixing your problem today.”
Well. You go Kent.
Kent showed up with his backhoe, tore apart the yard, and about 2:15pm, all noise stopped. “Wow,” I said. “He must be done.”
DH pipes up. “I bet he ran out of gas.”
We both laugh hysterically at this point, because – wouldn’t that just top things off?
We both run for the door, knowing he’s run out of gas.
Wrong!
Broken hydraulic hose. No more digging out with the backhoe, he’s doing it by hand.
What a man.
I love this guy.
At 4:15pm, we tell Kent we have to leave. Work. He says no prob, got any 2 by 4′s?
why yes. yes we do.
Laughing hysterically (still), we throw ourselves into the truck, dressed in our going-to-work-clothes and drive (cuz what the hell….tire tracks in the yard? no biggie!) to the hog shed at the top of the hill, load a ton of dirty 2 by 4′s and drive them back down.
because kent, wonderful beautiful kent, is DETERMINED to clean the septic tank tonight, but the backhoe is broke, so he can’t put the septic tank lid back ON.
Oh, did I mention that before we left home the toilet was burbling and actually bouncing up and down in it’s place. Chris said um…the toilet is making these odd blurping noises.
I peek into the bathroom. Toilet is dancing, blurping.
“I’m sure that’s normal.”
*insert more hysterical laughter*
So we head to work. Knowing darn well when we come home, the septic tank is going to be holding the body of Kent, innumerable cats, various raccoon, one humongous skunk and possibly the backhoe itself.
5 hours at work slide by at a snails pace. A snail trying to motate through poop.
We pull into the driveway at Mario Andretti speeds. New land record.
No backhoe in the yard.
No pickup in the backyard.
There’s a good chance the septic tank guy has lived through the procedure.
We creep into the house.
No septic tank smell.
I designate Chris to be the first to inaugurate (such as is) the bathroom.
It works.
I am no longer constipated, I no longer have to pee in 50mph wind gusts, I no longer have to read a newspaper with the paper fluttering in the breeze.
Thank God.
Thank Kent.
He’s coming back tomorrow to finish the job. I don’t care what he charges. Really.
But wait until I tell you about the rest of my day.
=)
carrie
Finished Chapter Five.
Whew.
I don’t know what came over me but my outline insisted there was supposed to be a supper scene, a cat fight and a kiss.
What realllllllllllllllllllllllllly happened was a supper scene, naked people falling through the heroines bedroom door, a cat fight, an almost sex scene, a hotel evacuation due to a bomb threat, and lots of police milling about.
Where the heck did that stuff come from? I was shocked. Shocked I tell you.
Now I’ve got to go play with my outline. It needs serious updating!
Oh, in case you’re wondering? The 18647 is my word count at the moment.
=)
still plugging away….
carrie
So have you ever noticed, that when you’re down, when the world seems dark and gray, when you just want to lay in bed with the blankets tossed over your head –THAT’S when Murphy’s Law strikes.
Anything that can go wrong, will.
And my personal take on it, Anything that can go wrong, will. And then it will always get worse.
Take for instance, my place of work. I love my job, really. Ok, occasionally I’d like to imagine myself doing the scene from Terminator 2 when he says “I’ll be back” and then POW. But so far, I’ve restrained myself.
At work last week, my favorite employee turned in her two week notice. I was crushed. Heartbroken. Tried to talk her out of it. No luck. I sat for a time, before I went upstairs to tell the rest of the staff the bad news. “Oh,” said one girl. “She just told us. And remember how I was going to work every day this summer? Yeah, I won’t be able to do that anymore. Sorry.”
Pow. Murphy strikes again.
A friend of mine asked me to put a bid on his company’s website. I did, and I lost the bid. No big deal. If he would have called and said hey, you lost the bid, I would have said “Ok! Look at all the free time I have for writing now!” But he didn’t. He had his secretary’s secretary email me the news.
Bang. Hello Mr. Murphy. Thanks for the personal touch.
I bought my mom the COOLEST solar light for her garden for Mother’s Day. Unfortunately, it won’t ship until May 18. So, today I tell her I’m sorry, if will be late. No problem she says, she just ordered something for her garden that won’t ship until the 18th either, what a coincidence. Um. After a few well-placed questions, it turned out the solar light was SO COOL, she bought one for herself.
Blap. Murphy, buddy, quit kicking me while I’m down eh?
So now you’re wondering, how on earth is Carrie going to connect the entire travesty that has been her life for the past two weeks and turn it into a blog about writing?
Watch this.
Conflict. Each and every scene you write in your book has to have some kind of conflict. The more the better. I finally got that point. I understood we needed conflict, I got that there was internal and external. I DIDN’T get that it was to be in EACH. AND. EVERY. SCENE.
But now Murphy’s Law has shown me the way. Conflict is everywhere, and yes, it can always be made worse.
It’s everywhere, it’s every day, it’s every scene.
So apply my version of Murphy’s Law to YOUR manuscript and see if your characters aren’t suddenly infused with conflict. It will make their life hell, and your editor will be tickled pink.
And Murphy, nothing personal, but just stay away from me for a couple days eh? Absence makes the heart grown fonder.
=)
carrie
Today has been highs and lows. Much like the temperatures here in Iowa as we’re trying to decide if we’re spring or winter. Definitely not summer. 40 degrees last night. Brr.
Highs have included finishing the massive amount of web design work that has hit this past week. Starting on Tuesday morning until just a few hours ago, I was deluged with web design work. Tsunami’d.
But I did it, I caught up. Now I get to send out the bills.
I also finished two ads for the restaurant, did 3 loads of laundry and squealed over the dead mouse the cats left at the end of the sidewalk. At least they didn’t bring it in this time.
I also wrote 500 words in my new ms, revised 7 pages of an old one, and went through umpteen emails.
So what could possibly be on the low side?
Eating two ice cream bars.
Oops. (I did workout for almost 50 min to make up for it though)
And a small black moment, that I haven’t quite shaken yet. It’s still circling my head, waiting to pounce. You know how when you’re worn out and tired you always get sick? I always get sick and depressed. I’m not sick this time, yet! but I did get my own personal black moment.
What if I’m just better as a beta reader than a writer?
What if I just don’t have what it takes?
What if I really didn’t burn off enough calories to negate the two ice cream bars I ate?
These are the burning questions.
Something to think about.
=)
carrie
In my non-stop-quest to finish the book (yes, technically I’m only 4 chapters in and have a loooong way to go, thanks for rubbing it in) I admit I stumbled a bit this week.
But, I’m getting back on track. Honest.
I had double shifts, I had work trauma, I had back trauma.
But, I’m working on it! Really.
I had a migraine, stomach upset (no, I won’t share the details) and 57 emails that need answering. Now.
But, I’m kicking myself in the rear and getting back on track.
Thursday I only did 280 of the promise-to-myself 1000 words on my evenings off count. Friday, I didn’t do any.
But, it’s okay. Relax. Back in the saddle here.
Today, on my 1000 word count day, I’m already up to 847. No sweat. My running total as of 3:12 on Saturday afternoon is 13,933.
Suh-weet.
I figure I’m about 1/5 of the way done.
Yes, I know I still have a long way to go, yes there’s all the re-writing to be done, and yes, I still have double shifts to get through next week.
But – I’m going to do it.
Stick with me here, and you just wait and see.
Determination is something us asses – especially us smart asses, know a little about.
=)
carrie
holy smokes.
I know I live a frenetic lifestyle, zooming here and there, holding down more jobs/part-time jobs/cats than any normal woman should, but it’s always worked for me.
Some days just require more chocolate than others. No problemo.
But the past week has gone above and beyond the duty of lets-destroy-carrie-and-bring-her-to-her-knees.
I won’t tell you about work, because everyone works, and everyone runs wildly because of it – unless you’re a Professional Couch Potato, in which case, hats off to you. I won’t mention the side hobbies, the jewelry, the websites (ok, I might growl about those later), the laundry, etc. Because EVERYONE has the same problems. Right?
But what I am going to whine about (what, you didn’t think this was a whining post?) is people. Ok, and cats. But mostly people.
This past week I’ve had people comment on my hair (ohhhh ….umm..did someone NEW cut your hair? that’s a different look for you, isn’t it?) my clothes (you look so pretty tonight, especially compared to the last time we saw you) my eyes (why is that one eye like that? is that a birth defect?) my weight (yeah, we’ve all put on a few pounds over the winter – some more than others eh?) my shoes (those shoes are about ready for the trash pile huh) and even my bra (oh, is that one of those new silver colored bras? oh no, wait…that’s just gray isn’t it?)
Seriously, people. I realize that most of the time, I’m a public figure. I work out in the public, I should expect a certain amount of “commentary”.
But when does it go beyond commentary and into gosh-bob-that’s-none-of-your-darn-business?
Believe it or not, the bra comment wasn’t the final straw (that was my chiropractor doing ultrasound)
It was actually the your-characters-are-flat comment. (See, you KNEW I’d bring it around to writing somehow!)
I know it was a rough copy, I know it was first draft. But yikes. Critiques can hurt. Or they can make you try harder.
For me, I’m generally inspired to drink four vodka lemonades, eat handfuls of chocolate while ranting wildly about how clueless people are….and then when I’m hungover with sugar blues the next day, I let reality slide in, and think that maybe yeah, maybe I could do better.
And sometimes, it takes two or three of those vodka/chocolate days before the realization sinks in.
And sometimes, by golly, it just never happens.
Today is going to be a vodka/chocolate day. And tomorrow, well, tomorrow my characters won’t be called flat anymore, by God.
But I’ll still be wearing any ugly shirt over my chubby body, which should be ugly enough to cover up my gray bra, reading through my lopsided eye with a bad haircut while wearing worn out shoes.
But tough beans.
At least I won’t have flat characters anymore.
=)
carrie
ps word count? 7066
cats? 3 birds, 3 mice
So, I’m writing along, minding my own business, when suddenly – and I mean completely out of nowhere! – this secondary character appears. I look at my outline, no…no secondary character there.
Where had this woman come from? And considering she was over six feet tall, why hadn’t I noticed her before?
Has this ever happened to you? I swear I’m not using any hallucinogenic drugs, I’m not typing at 3 in the morning, but there she is.
Sheila. 6’4″ of pure muscle who just walked into my story.
And immediately took over. Like five pages worth – so far! I know I’m going to have to trim her waaaaaaaaaay down, but for the time being Sheila is having a wonderful time gamboling through my story, taking on a gang of hoodlums and dispensing advice.
Looks like I’d better go re-write my outline, because I don’t think Sheila’s going to be leaving anytime soon.
=)
carrie
3,132 words so far!
So, today is the day I’m diving in. Headfirst. Into rock-strewn waters. Without a life vest.
Sounds scary doesn’t it?
Well, true enough.
What am I doing that’s so terrifying?
Well, I just finished outlining the chapters of the book. THE book. The one I’m going to send to Harlequin. I have an outline, I have a plot. My characters are a bit unsure of themselves at the moment, but we’ll get to know each other soon enough. I’ll probably even get on their nerves after awhile.
I’ll be posting updates here and there as I slog along through, or begging for advice or begging for chocolate. I have no pride. =)
But most of all I’m just glad I finally have a direction.
I mostly have a direction.
It’s either going to be a heartstring-tugging-while-still-a-bit-humorous story, or a flat-out-hold-your-sides-laughing story. But either way, it’s getting started.
Today.
Chapter One.
=)
carrie
ROMANCE UNIVERSITY
Empower Writers ~ Entertain Readers ~ Understand Men
www.RomanceUniversity.org
Established May 18, 2009
Hello, everyone!
Remember, 2010 is the Year of the Sub-genre at Romance University. Each month, we will poke, prod, and beg publishing professionals close to the sub-genre to give us the latest information. Is it hot? Is it not? On April 2, we highlighted erotic romance with author Eden Bradley. Be sure to check it out!
Permission to forward lecture schedule is granted and encouraged! Want RU’s weekly lecture schedule in a cool new email format straight to your in-box? Sign up on RU’s homepage or any of the lecture posts!
Mon, 4/12 – Crafting Your Career: Borders’ book buyer Sue Grimshaw tells us how all those lovely books get onto the shelves.
Wed, 4/14 – Anatomy of the Male Mind: Wayne Levine’s back to reveal how a ropes course can teach guys to become better men. Don’t miss this insightful conversation.
Fri, 4/16 – Chaos Theory of Writing: Managing Editor Theresa Stevens starts a new lecture series about writing effective sentences. She’ll begin with the five major verb tenses and why traditional grammar instruction on tenses doesn’t do fiction writers much good. Wanna talk to a grammar guru? Be sure to stop by!
**Kelsey, Adrienne and I are excited to announce the newest addition to the Romance University faculty: Carrie Spencer. Carrie has been a regular reader and participant at RU since the early days. With her knowledge of our mission, her technical background and outgoing personality, Carrie was a perfect match for our faculty needs.**
All Romance University lectures are generously provided by our Visiting Professors. RU is a tuition-free zone!
Best regards,
Tracey Devlyn, Kelsey Browning & Adrienne Giordano
Morning all!
Big news has come my way. I’m thrilled. Tickled pink. Happy as a clam. This morning I was announced as Romance University’s new Junior Faculty Member.
*pausing a moment for the ooh’s and aah’s*
I know! squeeeee! =)
I joined RU way back last year when they first started up, and with the exception of the Major Snow Storm with Three Day Power Outage, I’ve been a regular participant. They offer free classes, learning from other authors, critiques on query letters – you name it, they’ve got it.
I’m thrilled to be a member of RU. Stop by and wish me congratulations if you haven’t already!
And never mind the bad picture on the RU page – 45 mph winds do NOTHING for a hairstyle!!
=)
carrie
- Flu you too August 31, 2010
- De-stressing August 21, 2010
- Pantsing It August 14, 2010
- Mike’s Pom Pom’s August 10, 2010
- High Fives! August 8, 2010
